The Beginning

 What a life altering experience this past six months has been. I can honestly say I enjoyed every moment. highs. lows. getting high. I have achieved what I set out to do as I threw my last bit of energy out to the universe in hope to be healed and now it seems it is providing me a path of opportunity and happiness. At some points I didn't think I was going to have my breakthrough, but in the chaos and the stillness of the last half of my 24th year it engulfed me at the perfect moment. I came out more independent, brave, wise, and true to myself. I'm growing again and will continue to do so. Happiness is yours. Whenever you want it. Just open your heart.

skip this post if you have morals

This post, although i will try to be a little less descriptive, is rated don't read if your my grandparents, or XXX. Night 1: took off to Soi Cowboy, infamous for it's sex shows but luckily classier (if that can be said) then Patpong area (don't worry, we got there too). Camilla and I wrangled two other stragglers and I met up with my friend Mr. Jambells and we went into Long Gun which is supposed to have the best show in the safest environment. While the girls here seemed like they were having a much better time then other places I've been to (I mean, I haven't done this sort of thing before. I mean I haven't...I didn't... Never mind) we were all too busy chatting to realize there were about a dozen naked girls in front of us and next thing I know we are all running to the clubs. Jambells and  I ditched the other three as they got sucked into a black hole of club death and took off for the RCA. Yup, it's rainy season everywhere, it was nothing how I remembered. We shook our tail feathers a bit before we headed home for the night. Fun Fact: I woke up on the floor with... You guessed it! A plate of Pad Thai by my side. Night 2: J: What are we doing tonight Britt? B: I'm glad you asked James. Tonight we will be going to a ping pong show... Jambells get a giant grin on his face and high fives me, J: I told you you are my favorite person I've met in this trip right? As the sun begins the set we end up taking down some beers and having too many Jägerbombs with an East Indian couple we met. The husband had me in tears, his humor is as dry Hilary Clinton during the Lewinsky days, and his wife was just so peaceful. Really lovely people I hope to visit, or as he said, babysit for, in the near future. Bu then it was time. We got in a cab and headed to Patpong, the red light district. We were barely out of the vehicle and some guy was leading us down an alley, yay!, and up some grubby ill lit steps, yay! We took our seats, only customers in the house, ugh and waited for the fun to start. I'll put this in list form and you can use your imagination. This is what the girls can do: pop balloons, blow out candles, knit a scarf, drop fish in glass, something to do with a razor blade, typical magician scarf trick, and of course, ping pong balls. On that note, Jambells and I were both offered a paddle (so happy I have purel in my purse) as the woman shot at us. I screamed the whole time and Jambells actually hit it back and it smoked her in the face, bonus! Then one of the girls come around with a little aquarium net and scooped up the balls from where ever they have been shot. Let's get out of here. Fun Fact: these women are leeches, always tip, but tip small, and go with a girl if you can, we save the day. Night 3: my favorite! Gay night! Jambells, a true friend, came with me for most of the fun. I told the cabbie Silom but as we arrived realized we were back in the Patpong area. Hold up tonto, I want gay boys. He started laughing, you like gay boy? Yes, I hope to be one in my next life. Turns out all the gays were loving life in the soi's surrounding Patpong and I totally missed them the night before. Damn. So here we go, starting on the pub street I'm surrounded, surrounded! I start chatting immediately with the bar tenders and servers (this boys are hot!) and finally work my way snaking through tables conversing and getting pictures with randoms. Just before heading to the other Soi, there all the clubs are, I met Miss Congeniality. What a diva. He and I started tranny stomping down the street holding hands and singing Lady Gaga as Jambells chased after us. "tonight we dance! We dance because we are beautiful! We dance to let our beautiful energy out!" and his shirt is off and he is in a cage like a glorious cockatoo. I'm bouncing around like crazy between the two rooms trying to make up my mind where to be as one has better music but the other has better people and realize there is another floor! At this point my pupils are dilated, I can't stop dancing, and my smile has concurred my face. Jambells walks up to me (from the cage, good for him!) and says "flourish Britt, have fun with your boys, I'm going home) weeeee! Next thing I know I've started chatting with one really cute boy who wants this other really cute boy to come to this underground club, but he won't budge. Don't worry BB's got it. Yup, gays in the bag...let's roll! I was the only girl in this last club, surrounded by yum yum everywhere. It's actually more fun to be surrounded but ripped, hot, gay guys because they are all going to love and give you so much attention, as opposed to the breeders. We danced and danced and anytime I needed anything my gays had it covered, they even came to the bathroom with me. I swear they would have held my hand had I asked them. Just before sun up I had to try and nab a tuk tuk as my voice was gone, I looked like the rat that ran over my foot in China town, and Jambells and I were heading to Chatachuk market. Fun Fact: we never made it to the market.

We have come to terms

Oh Bangkok, I give up, I love you. I had three nights arranged  before I got on the flight for my next adventure. So I decided to go full throttle and do everything "Bangkok"  and take some hostages with me. I have to start off with saying minus the giant, wet rat running over my foot, China town here is so amazing! I mean you can get ANYTHING and it's actually really fun to walk through and get lost. Of course we went to MBK and Siam Square but that's just the shopping to fill the void of the hours we weren't partying. Getting down to business we managed to stay at a really cheap guesthouse called Peachy, near Khao San and Rambuttri (prime location), about $5.00 and very, uh, interesting but it does have a beer garden with great live music every night. Fun Fact: have upgraded to the tuk tuk from the taxi meter! I'm one hell of a barterer now.

the South of France you say?

 I met a really lovely (can't believe I'm saying this) French girl on the train from Chiang Mai to Bangkok (18 hours this time?) and we had this immediate connection. So of course we slammed back about 6 large Chang's and really got to chatting. Not the same old traveller talk, life chats, I felt like I'd known her for years and I really needed some girl time. It was a very interesting train ride... I referred to the beer lady as Mum and teased her relentlessly as she pressed more beer on me and gave me a massage by the end of it all. We made friends with a group of loud Aussie's who were the only other ones drinking and had a super lame chat with some West Coast know it all Canadians, in their early 20's of course. We argued with the staff that puts down the beds (it was only 7 p.m. And the sun was still up) but by the end of the train ride it was just a whole lot of sass and everyone was laughing. Let's put it this way. The man came by to put down the beds (I was top bunk and there was no one below me so we could leave it as seats for Camilla and I) and we told him to leave the bottom one as is. He shocks his head furiously and demanded our tickets even though were told him where we were sleeping. Eventually we gave him our tickets and when he saw we weren't b.s. Ing him he just tossed us back our tickets and walked away. It was about 5:30 a.m., when my bunk curtain was torn open and it was the man again, "get up." alright sunshine bear, you got it! I just couldn't be bothered to do anything but laugh as I looked up and down the train car and I was the only person he had woken up so far (I was in the middle of the car). About an hour later, at the appropriate hour, he started waking everyone else up. He pulled back Camilla's curtain (she had ear plugs and a sleep mask on) and one again "get up, give me the blanket" and just stood there staring at her. She looked so confused and asked for just a minute, to I don't know, wake up maybe? Not everyone jumps out of bed like I do when the alarm goes off. He just continued to stand there, about to pull her blanket, as she was like "whoa dude, I have no pants on" he turned and looked at me, i'm grinning like an idiot over the whole ordeal, and marched off again. Best train ride ever. Of course by the time we arrived Camilla and I were splitting a cab, sharing a room, and doing one night in the big city together. Fun Fact: you can literally sit on the steps or hang outside of the train if you want. Ahhhhh!

Nothing ends a yoga class like a hot cup of talk

For my second shot at energizing my mind body and soul I signed up for a yoga class. Let me tell you, the day after the massage class it didn't seem like the best idea as I sauntered bowl legged to Mam's house. Mam is a 67 year old Hindu (both Thai and East Indian) from Bangkok but you'd never know it but her flexibility and outlook on life. She is not only physically fit but has the mentality of someone so young and still learning but with firm beliefs and opinions. Her class started out with a half hour meditation and moved from stretching to a few classic yoga moves into several rounds of the sun salutation. I'm embarrassed to say that our fitness levels are no where near each other. I did empress myself with some poses and was disappointed with others, Bikram yoga is definitely the way to go if you are questioning your flexibility. Mam also had us practicing hand stands, what a treat and was very confident everyone could do one, and we all could, thanks Mam I'll add that to my resume 'can stand on head'. To end our yoga session Mam whipped us up a Thai meal and we all sat around listening to her gossip. I was laughing so hard a noodle came out my nose. Drama drama everywhere. She told us who was drinking, who had several wives, who was a con artist, trouble maker, you name it. She just lit up when she was dishing all this news but a little of it was rather disturbing. It sounds like she fights with most of the women here because she is friends with the foreigners and happy doing her own thing. They criticize her for cooking for her students and giving them cheap accommodation but as she says "don't tell me my business" and she can't take her money with her when she dies and as long as her dogs are fed she is happy. She has also donated her body to the hospital after she passes as she says she is a teacher in life and will be in death (meaning her body will teach the med students) what a lovely concept. to top it all off she keeps the empty water bottles of the students to give to the disabled man who wanders around picking through garbages so that he doesn't have to do that. It was a very enlightening day and I've achieved a happiness buckets can't provide. Fun Fact: While we were all struggling into handstands against the wall trying not to fall over Mam went to the middle of the room popped herself up on her head in one swift motion and went into the splits. My jaw dropped, 67 years young! 

Thai massage with Aum

Let me first introduce to you little Ting Tong before I get the ballet that is Thai massage underway. Ting Tong in Thai means crazy, and my teacher, Aum, has it tattooed behind her ear. This short stack is covered in tattoos, drinks whiskey like a champ, and has a soothing voice as she coos "Dahling" at everyone she encounters. I went to sign up for  her massage course and she was clearly on a day off, drinking beers with the girls. I stopped by the market at night for some cheap eats as her and her friend screamed at me to join them. They had already conquered four bottles of Sang Som, this is looking promising. The best part was she kept saying "oh! I have to teach tomorrow dahling, look at us!" I was under the impression she forgot it was me. But this set me at ease for the next days events. I arrived bright eyed and bushy tailed as I waited for Aum to finish eating or wake up or what have you, ha! But she came in gracefully with a giant smile on her face and a "oh dahling, I think you know how I feel" all to well Aum, let's do this! She was a fantastic teacher, hung over as she was, the little gem even fell asleep during my practice on her. That made me laugh the most as she peeked at me through half open eyelids and said "ok we break dahling, I need a nap" cool, see you in a hour, you ball of fun. Basically she demonstrates on me, describing how her hands are the placement, pressure, duration, etc and then we switch and I go to work on her. I was pretty nervous but she had me at ease instantly with her soft slumber like voice saying "gooooood" "you have good thumbs, good pressure" and my favorite "chtick chtick chtick" which means you are done and can write down what you just did. We made it through the whole course in just four hours, I was pretty impressed considering all the work that goes into it, right up to a face and scalp massage (hello extra ten dollars in my services for hair!). I have an entirely new appreciation for the strength and limberness of these tiny woman. I was sweating, my back hurt, and when I woke up this morning I had muscles I never knew I had, mainly in the butt area. Now the Thai ladies have got the massage down pat, they move around you like little spider monkeys, manipulating and massaging, in one fluid motion. I however, was far less graceful and almost fell over several times as well as "cheated" a bit on certain sections because my body is not used to being bent over someone in such a way. I struggled the most with compensating for how tiny Aum is and stretching out the legs, I've never been praised for my balance. But came out feeling confident, her gentle voice is always helpful. Fun Fact: Thai massages hurt. But well worth it when it's over, who's up?! I need practice.

A little strung out

I was so happy to return to Pai. It's a funky, artsy, musician filled hippie town with so much to do and plenty of live music. Unfortunately when I arrived here the scene had definitely quieted down as it is rainy season. Typically the night market is swarmed with people and you can eat your way to a food coma down the street noshing on everything from sushi to vegetarian lasagna, baked potatoes and corn on the cob. Of course classics like pad Thai and Thai omelette are served at a fantastic price of 30 baht.  Yum! However, there are not nearly as many shops, restaurants, or vendors open so the magic has settled a little. Seems like wet season is a bit of a hard time out here. I just couldn't bring myself to wander bar to bar as only a few people occupied each place and in their own groups, I appear to be the only solo traveller. Just not up for making friends, gauging their energy. So I spent plenty of time flooding my head with the latest celebrity gossip, yup Johnny Depp is single, get in line ladies and lady boys! And decided this was no way to spend four days. Something was missing from my normal go get em' attitude and with only a week left in my second home I decided to jump on the band wagon and take some courses I had been putting off for months. Fun fact: I finally made my way to the tea house to do some writing, enjoy some chai, and what do I know! Some beautiful acoustic is humming in the background. A lovely last night in Pai.

A shout out!

It has been brought to my attention that I have a reader I did not know about, who is also interpreting to a second party who is too busy with her soup diet to read. So! I'd like to say "hello Papa! Love and miss you! G'ma, also!" Fun Fact: this blog is to be taken lightly, excuse my language and or behavior.

Doxycycline

an antibiotic that prevents the development of parasites in the blood that cause Malaria. This fantastic little pill costs as little as 25 baht or just under a dollar for 5 tablets in SE Asia. If traveling abroad (unless it's Mexico, then you just sit back and have another margarita, amigo) look into risk zones and availability of prescriptions drugs in the country. SE Asia is a godsend when it comes to obtaining whatever you want by walking into a pharmacy, and very inexpensive. So let's do a little math. Ok I'll tell you the scenario and you do the math or we are all in over our heads. It is recommended you take a 100 mg dose (1 pill) a day, two days before you enter the risk zone, while in the risk zone and for four weeks after you have left. SO... I'm going out on a limb here... If you are in a malaria risk zone for five days you need 35 pills and it's just under $6.00. Are you still wondering why people out here grow so old? It's so cheap and accessible to be medicated. Now I just saved you hundreds of dollars if I'm right. If I'm wrong I will probably end up with malaria. Fun fact: On the plus side it's recommended you take doxycycline with quinine (for 7 days), so enjoy those gin and tonics everyone! Disclaimer: I am not a licensed physician. all information is based on the results I got from the monkeys I tested on. PETA for life.

Mosquitos. How rude!

I've learned a thing or two about Malaria and other diseases in my travels. Let me start by saying, do your research first, talk to other travelers. When I first went to the travel clinic to see what shots and precautions were needed for my trip I was more then overwhelmed due to the fact I have wander lust and not paid holiday. For some, you know where and when you are going, what you are doing, and for how long. For those like myself you know the country or countries you will be visiting but not specifically the areas, season, or events that may be taking place during this time. Therefor, things can get expensive. The vaccinations seem to add up, both a pain in the arm and wallet (thanks, dad!)it may seem like a money grab (everything is) but the health nurses are also very concerned about the severity of the illness' if contracted. You can definitely weigh your options as to what is absolutely necessary (certain shots are needed to enter a country) and what seems the odds are actually in your favor on a positive note. For example, it was stressed to me that I take a treated mosquito net with me. Turns out every guesthouse has a mosquito net or a fan or air con to keep those pests at bay. So let's just say I threw $50 down the drain (no biggie in Canada, or 3 dozen Timmy's coffees) however that's a full week of local food and accommodation out here, I rue the day. Better safe than sorry? Well I'm sorry, I didn't need that. Malaria, right, back on track. Looking at the maps I couldn't give the nurse a straight answer but it looked like I wasn't going to be living in the jungle or hanging out in the pasture so I opted out. Just today though I spoke with a local who informed me Pai has Malaria, I did not have this information last time I was here. So I typed to my good friend WWW. For help. I'm not sure what medication they prescribe to you at the travel clinic when you accept malaria pills, but i do know it can get VERY costly as you need to take it x amount of days before, during, and after your time in a malaria zone. It could end up being hundreds of dollars. Fun fact: this post is getting long...the next will have the actual information and probably another rant for good measure.

Back in the arms of Thailand :)

Yeeeee! I love this place so much, I always forget. I'm currently in a small border town (Nong Khai, I think) waiting to tackle a 17 hour minibus ride to Pai. But, I've already had some fun... First off I'm pretty much on my own doing the border thing since I'm the only dumb dumb not heading straight for Bangkok, but there is always someone ot meet me at my next check point. Cue driver. So, I'm filing out my arrival card and I feel someone standing over me, suddenly he starts pointing like a maniac all over the paper so I look at him blankly and start laughing. Then he starts laughing and what do you know?! Well mister driver sir, I don't have a visa number, second off, why do you smell like my grandma? Ahhh! Whiskey, the scent of the prairies. He was an amazing driver though, very speedy. Then he made noises the whole time he had to carry my tumor (23 kg backpack) and pretended to cry. I was very sad when we parted ways as he was very gentlemanly offering me a chair and yelling at girls on the street. Thailand, let's never be apart again. For the next best part. The better I think (wish I could have stayed to see how it panned out) I'm putting my backpack through the X-ray, not quite sure why, as no one is in the room. and realize when I get to the other side that there is a hold up. Oh! What is it you wonder? Well let me tell you! This woman's suitcase is wide open and there are stacks upon stacks of fake, bundled, hundo's! So I'm killing myself laughing, maybe I shouldn't, but this money is just so fake looking that I have no clue what her plan even was. It was like a scene from a movie! So the woman is marching about yelling in Thai and the border guys are on the phone looking all serious, and I'm eyeing the cookies that were covering the fake money. What a treat, I wish I knew what was going on. Fun fact: Yay! Driver is back, and "reading" this over my shoulder, laughing and smelling all familiar.

Going out with a bang in Vang Vieng

All I want to do right now is drink a pitcher of blue Kool-Aid. The raspberry lemonade kind. And eat a dozen perogies. God, do I miss that.     Also, hours on the couch watching Dr. Oz, drinking Timmy's coffee. Ok, I vented, back to pack backing! The adventure continues! I've managed a week in Vang Vieng. My bed is full of dirt and baguette crumbs, I have pictures and videos that are definitely questionable and I'm pretty sure my baby toe (what is it really called? Pinky toe? Fifth toe? Toe that keeps balance?) in the evolution to come we won't even have it anymore...is broken. I had so much fun! All the while maintaining a proper prairie girl reputation, being called a bad influence and meeting people who go "you're Canadian Britt, I've heard of you!" why thank you. The town is really lovely, calm by day, nestled into the mountains full of 'full moon party' day glow wearers. It's rather quiet in rainy season, with multiple hangovers watching hours of Friends and Family guy, drinking mango shakes to make up for the lack of vitamins and holy crap! ... If I could type right now that would be a real treat! Don't blog after tubing. Getting to the tubing is whats up. The are several bars strewn across the river with jenga, swings, volleyball, you name it, tons of fun things to do! And lots and lots of mud. You can make your way by tube, or foot, I gave both a shot but decided I Didn't want my tube, I wanted to be attached to someone else's. It's absolute madness out there, they throw out a rope to pull you into the bar because the current is quite strong,  and unfortunately the river claims several lives a year, I can see why.  It's easy to see how people get trapped and start working here or how some people have dozens of bracelets on (you get a bracelet every bar you go to). They workers abuse themselves on a daily basis, some play as many as 20 beer pong games, other have to do a shot every time a boat comes in (roughly 3 every ten minutes) and others luck out and hang around the bar. No one leaves tubing in a proper state of mind. After a day of madness you can work your way to party island where buckets are FREE! And let the carnage continue. I prefer to alternate days of tubing and free buckets, you know, turning 25 and all...send help! Normally party island shuts down around two a.m. But you can currently dance until sun up since it's the Eurocup and the bars stay open until six a.m. Woof. Luckily my bed is a short crawl away. Fun Fact:Vang Vieng is clustered around an old airstrip once used by the CIA to fly covert missions during the Vietnam War.

It continues, like a waterfall

On my final day with Robert the Austrian physicist we decided to hit up the waterfalls. This guy was truly a gem to have in my life for a couple days. He came with me to the hospital and held my hand, in our down time he taught me physics and all the ways you can apply it... Basically to everything. But don't watch an action movie with him because he'll ruin the special effects by explaining why that was not possible. To top it all off he was just great company, I felt very at home with him. We got to spend the day at the most beautiful waterfalls I've ever seen in my life. Five tiers of liquid turquoise pooling into each other, the type of waterfall you know someone with too much money attempts to create on their own private island. The water was exceptionally cool, like Regina beach in June, so I found it very refreshing. All the others handled the shock better by flying off, or belly flopping from the swing rope. Robert was the only one who looked like he knew what he was doing up there as he'd swing out into a perfect backflip. Most people just smashed the water right from the get go. All in good fun I suppose. I didn't partake as my ankle is still a little sore and I managed to take a rather grueling trek up to the highest point of the waterfall. Was it worth it? I can't believe people I pass by ask me that question. Of course it is! The reward was a panoramic view of the pristine mountains while standing in an infinity pool.  Now my biggest stress was making it back in time to catch my 4:00 p.m. Bus to Vang Vien which meant I had to be back at my guest house at 3:30 and leave the falls by 2:30. Okay, got that covered it's only 3:10...3:30...3:54...4:05. I knew that guy at the ticket office didn't have a clue what he was doing. So I got mom and dad of the guest house to call and see what was up. Needless to say I sat around until ten to five before someone finally showed up. So I'm tuk tuking to the bus station, he takes my ticket, they chat for a while and he hops back in and motions for me to get back in and says "tuk-tuk!". I look at him and question, to VV?! He just starts howling and points in the direction of the next bus station. Buddha, have mercy. So my four o'clock mini bus ride to Vang Vien has turned into a five o'clock V.I.P (don't let that fool you) bus ride to Vientien, that at some point they will throw me off in the middle of nowhere to fend for myself. I am excited for this adventure? No. Usually I am. But I'm hangry (yes, so hungry I'm angry) and utterly exhausted because of course I couldn't sleep last night with all the excitement of waterfalls and bus rides. Hopefully this pans out...Fun Fact: totally got highway robbed by a tuk tuk (overcharging I mean) I looked him in the eye and said, you should be ashamed of yourself. He actually looked shocked! Winning!

My solo jungle trek adventure supreme in Nong Khiaw

Wow. Who knew I had it in me. I had really only gone to Nong Khiaw because Shay (the Israeli guy) couldn't make it this trip. But it was well worth it. Not only was the town quietly tucked away in the mountains with not a soul in sight but there was a fantastic, at times a little trying, trek to the cave of Thames Pha Tok. It started with a 3.5k trek in the blistering sun up and down, round and round a dirt road. Finally I reached a sign "directing" me to the cave. This is where it starts. I entered through a broken gate into a rice paddy. I should have turned around just then. I continued along the rice paddy tracks as not to fall into the newly watered earth, passed water buffalo and farmers. AND continued through more farmers fields, climbing over fences, and through corn fields. All the while I was following arrowed signs (usually pointing up and hundreds of meters apart) back tracking I'm sure. Eventually I made my way through a tiny path that was heavily jungled, under trees, over trees, up a slippery clay incline, with bugs the size of timbits whizzing by my ears. I was terrified, exhausted, and looked like I just stepped out of the shower. It was amazing! The cave however was a little beyond me. I went down, as far as I trusted myself and the cave. It definitely didn't see much traffic up there or in the interior, there were loose rocks everywhere so I didn't make it far, maybe if I was with a tour.  Fun fact: the cave was where villagers hid during the Second Indochina War. I couldn't imagine doing that trek in that sort of a situation.

Finding what I was looking for...

It took some time, almost the whole trip. But as I drove hours into the mountains, so high I was literally in the clouds, with trees below and blue sky above I made it to Luang Prabang. I found solace of the soul. A week passed without me noticing it as I wondered the streets, up 100m to the temples of Phu Si, and over the bridge staring at the beautiful Nam Khan. There is a still silence in this town, a calm that washes over the friendly smiles and drawn out "sabai dii's", it takes effect on everyone who comes here and what perfect timing. I found what I was missing, it was a feeling, an emotion that had been hiding for quite some time. Inner peace.  Fun fact: ahhhhhhh.

Lesson learned

Don't scratch your mosquito bites. Not only do they become infected and take ages to heal because of the humidity (or not treating them, cough cough) but you can also score yourself a trip to a hospital that takes you back to the 1920's. Or an SAW movie. The staff was very friendly and helpful but I was taken to the Emergency Sursgery (spelling error included) to have my infected wound peeled open and bandaged up. No doctor needed appearently, just some antibiotics and on my way! On the bright side it only took two days for the medicine to kick in and I'm up and walking again. Fun fact: a hospital visit is only half the price if the doctor doesn't do the examination! 

The Freak

"Every town's got a freak" Paul is rambling and I'm wondering if he is the freak in his town. We were reevaluating the previous nights events. We had gone down to pool bar to get a bite and have a bucket while chatting about music festivals and good times. Suddenly this man child, with an atrocious gummy smile, and Koosh ball hair cut is staring at me, only a few feet away. So, I smile and watch him, so serious, and finally he cracks a smile only a blind mother could love. I was feeling a bit relieved as he marched off somewhere only to re appear a few moments later and sit beside me. Ok, no harm in that, he's probably just bored and liked being around the Falang. To my surprise he actually had a bit of English, basic, but so was he. So, after a few buckets, more people join us and the Freak is still hanging about. He keeps asking if "I'm okay" ...ummm, yes? And is joking around, being silly, you know slapping my thigh and rubbin my shoulder, eventually putting an arm around me. He seems harmless enough so whatever. Finally, I've had all the attention I can for the night and tell Paul I'm going to retire. I leave the bar and mr. Man-child is following me, now walking with me, laughing like I just told him a joke, and he goes for my hand! I've dated a handful of retards in my day but this guy was pushing his luck (if any of my exes are reading this I didn't mean you). So I jerk away and say no, no, no and march off to my cabina. But I can feel his eyes on me as a round reception. I can't find the key in this black hole of a purse I'm toting around (I'm burning this bag ASAP) so I duck behind the hammocks and luckily it's almost pitch black where I'm squatted. Can you believe this?! Hiding from a freak, not that I was scared, I was curious as to what his next move was, he seemed very harmless. So there he appears, out of the darkness like an Asian version of the chupacobra! And he is just standing between my place and the couples next to mine. The girl is sitting on her computer with her back to him, no clue he is there and I'm just waiting, like a white ninja for him to make a move. He stares a while and backs away, but I'm one step ahead of this freak, I know he is looking for me and I can hear his footsteps around the other side. I'm digging hopelessly for my keys, knowing I will be caught up soon enough. Sure as shit, he comes back around, my search still in effect, and just stares at me. I finally find the key, don't say a word, get inside and brace myself against the door. Damn, these bent nails! What kind of security is this?!  Footsteps come up on to the deck and I hear mumbling, thank god, Paul. I barely open the door and yank him in... He's out there isn't he? Paul is killing himself laughing, "oh the freak, you've got a freak!" Paul quit pissing around! Is he or is he not out there. "oh yeah, he's just standing around" For skrillex sakes! I'm getting out of here, and you are coming with me. Let's go have a beer this is too much right now. Paul opens the door and the Freak is right there! At the door! He shuts it fast, starts howling, and goes "oh my god!" Let's go, please. Paul goes first, asks the Freak what he wants and tells him to leave while shuffling at him off the deck like a dog. He finally leaves and we manage to loose the Freak... For the night. He pops up here and there throughout the week, this time I'm avoiding him at all costs, not even making eye contact or allowing him to know I'm aware he is behind me while I'm sending out emails. Jeaysus! So here's where it gets interesting. Turns out the Freak has got a serious fetish for blondes. I mean he starts friendly but then tries to get too friendly. Yuck. It happened  to the blonde girl who was hanging out with us the night I encountered him, this info we relayed while he was creeping me, thanks. And when he was looking for me he ended up staring at me girl neighbor, another blonde. So this is how he picks out his victims. What does he do? Wait's until they are nice and tipsy and steals their shit! iPods, computers, phones, whatever he can sell throughout the island. He gets on their good side and when they aren't looking, boom goes the dynamite. Worst part is, all the locals and bar owners knows he does this and no one says shit! I can't believe it. Anyway, that info was relayed to me in between bathroom visits to toss my Halal. Paul once again all excited, especially with new info on him. Fun Fact: I bet you had to take a break while reading that one! Didn't ya?!

Been Der, Don Det

Aside from visiting SE Asia's strongest waterfall on the next island Don Khon, getting lost on a bicycle for half a day (only I can get lost on an island), and in during some serious downpour I read a ton and probably slept 18 hours a day in a hammock. It was glorious! Not as glorious as the shanty cabina I stayed in though. It was just over two dollars each a night so we took it. The gateway going up the stairs was just big enough for me to squeeze through, there were massive gaps above and below the door which was locked in place from the inside by two bent nails, the bathroom had no light and the shower rarely worked. On top of that there was no sink, you could bust through one of the walls just by whispering directly into it, the mosi net came down above the bed and finished about a foot above the mattress, or the space of a human sleeping so to speak, and as always, ants were everywhere. To take it all home I ended up getting violently ill for a couple days in which I got to spend several hours hunched over a squat toilet, could you picture anything worse to throw up into? Yes, so could I but it was pretty awful considering how weak I was. It was, however, the first time I've gotten ill on this trip so I gladly sucked it up. But on the Charlie Sheen side of things it had two hammocks and a deck over the Mekong river, Winning! Fun Fact: It is humanly possible to sleep for days in a hammock

If Jughead were Irish, his name would be Paul

I just spent a six day stint on Don Det, Si Phan Don with this outrageous Irishman. He had me in a fit of hysterics all day, sometimes until the wee Hours of the morn as well with his simple state of mind. Now that you've got a visual of what he looks like I'll give you a little insight into the creation that Paul is. He is constantly moving, rarely listening, usually talking to himself while playing air drums and or guitar, and really had no bloody clue what is going on around him. What a treat! The other morning, I'd say about four a.m. He kept me awake with stories of his youth getting all jacked up on coca cola and crisps while the parents got drunk at town picnics, then the kids would have to drive home while the dads worked the gas because they were to drunk! Maybe a horrifying story, I assure you no one was hurt, but it was the way his face lite up and he cackled uncontrollably when he talked about it that got me. Fun Fact: Irish women drink while pregnant

The international language ... Charades!

I must have slept a solid ten hours. The guesthouse I choose is rather pricey (actually everything here seems quite pricey, come on Laos let's be friends with a budget) but it was a comfortable bed with the best pillows yet. I finally took to the streets feeling refreshed and yes this place is so magical. It's walking friendly with lots to see as you wander along down deserted streets in this yet again French style town. It's very run down but because of that very intriguing. The minimarts are jam packed with everything from pearl infused face whitening cream to wrenches to frozen foods, perfect since I forgot half my life in the hotel in Hue as I made a drunken dash to my bus. I had a proper cappuccino, a delicious egg sandwich and finished it off with some chocolate treats from the bakery. I also found where to get a tuk tuk tomorrow, a vegetarian restaurant, a book exchange and wifi (which i have to pay for, boo on that). I'm getting the serenity I was craving since Vietnam was sheer madness and although this town clearly shuts down early I've found all the amenities I have decided to risk going south before north to check out Si Phan Don, also known as four thousand islands. I might end up being a little tight for time in the end but I think it's more than worth the risk as long as I can find my way around, thank god for this guidebook that I've been wanting to burn the entire trip. Fun fact: the wheels on the bus go round and round, then it breaks down. Let the adventure begin!

How, now, Laos, cow

I've arrived in Savannakhet, Laos after another grueling 10 and a half hour bus ride. I am the only white person in the town and so far and no one speaks English. Basically enough to get me from point A to point B, that's all I need right now. It's a little unnerving however, I think I'm experiencing culture shock. I didn't get out until after the sun was down and hadn't eaten all day so I was a little freaked out. I finally got the courage to at least go find some food. Everything was written in Lao and whenever I asked for vegetable no one had a clue what I was saying and of course they can't comprehend my phrasebook. Oh Oprah, look after me this time. I managed to not get lost (I usually don't care about that but I don't have moto drivers at my back and call out here) and fill my belly. Looks like this map is in the direction I want it to be! I also made it back before the storm hit again, rainy season is alive and well! The streets were completely flooded, at least a foot of water. No joke. So I took of my sandals, pulled up my pant legs, and splashed around the streets while frogs echoed so loudly all around me. This town really does have something magical about it, maybe it's the people staring at me, maybe it's that I feel I have it all to myself, but I may book a NPA tour as there are so many national parks here, before I work my way up North, or maybe down south? Fun fact: the night market has moved!

Freckles...the glitter of skin disease

Kris Morrow you have a delicious mind. Like butterscotch pudding I want to swim in it then take a shower because it's dirty. Chris and I retraced my steps through the south from the beginning of my Vietnam trip. We played around in Vin Pearl, got kicked out of a hotel in Hoi An, and partied a little too hard the night before we parted ways in Hue. It went by way too fast and there were definitely too many hours spent on buses trying to tackle as much as we could in two weeks. We kept busy but didn't necessarily keep out of trouble. We witnessed a heated argument on the magical bus from Nha Trang to Hoi An, never a dull moment. Needless to say the Vietnamese got rather aggressive with a French man who didn't want to sleep with four strangers at the back of the bus, can you blame him? Especially when there isn't designated bus seats. Calmly as he could the man said, "I will smash your face" followed by "the Americans should have finished you off". wow.  Strangely enough we left an hour late and arrived an hour early. Before saying goodbye to Vietnam, and unfortunately I wanted to, Chris and I got to spend a few days with doctor from Israel who was a total riot. Yes mom, I met a doctor. Fortunately for me he's a Jewish doctor (love the Jews) but unfortunately for me he likes Jewish girls. Note: the tattoo was not a give away. When we got to Hue we booked a four hour bus ride (one way. Fml.) to a national park to visit one of the many caves Vietnam has to offer. Was it worth it? Absolutely. Do I remember any names of the places we went? Absolutely not. Damnit, I wish I had more information for you because it was so amazing. A boat took us throughout the cave as bats swarmed overhead and we were able to get off and explore on foot in a few places. The most interesting spot in the cave was off limits due to danger but had writing on the walls dating back to the 11th century and the cave also doubled as a hospital during the war in the 70's.  There was definitely a lot more I would have liked to explore in Vietnam as it was the most beautiful country I've seen to date. but with only a month and too many hours in transit you have to pick and choose. While the sights were more than worth it unfortunately it was the least friendly country I've been too.  Fun fact: I managed to save a lizard from drowning and a broken winged bat from being run over. I've found my calling. Animal rescuer!

Still can't figure out spaces

Chris and I have been basking in Vietnams glory for a week now. We spent the first day avoiding scooter death in Hanoi, going to the markets, the lake, trying different street foods, and drinking the 25 cent draft with the locals on the street. One day was more than enough and we booked a three day, two night, boat/bungalow tour with White Sails in Halong Bay and Cat Ba Island. Defiantly my number one excursion on this trip. We had a tour guide Frank, who I referred to as Uncle Jason (the personality similarities were uncanny, this guy was a riot) who had us on a tight schedule all through the first day but was very silly and chatty.  After a four hour bus ride we finally got on our boat and the sensation of being on the water almost exploded my heart. Over 3000 craggy... Do you know what craggy means? I had to explain this to Chris and couldn't think of a different word than craggy, so he calls them rocky rocks... Islands stand tall out of the Gulf of Tonkin. Sure, the water isn't the cleanest but after a day of kayaking, trekking, and touring caves nothing beats a jellyfish infested swim. The scenery was surreal and the calmness at night under the stars surrounded but lovely boats (junk) was so fulfilling. We had a really fantastic group of ten, Chris and Ben being the only boys, whom easily warmed up to each other as we overindulged in the best food I've had since I've been out here. Being a veggie was no problem on this tour, I felt like a queen. Chris and I snuck a bottle of vodka on the boat, got busted but nothing came of it, and had several laughs at Franks expense (I think he got into the rice wine).  We visited "surprising cave", the biggest I've ever been in but I hear they just found the worlds biggest cave elsewhere in Vietnam. It had me awestruck and the amount of "things" which have been carved into the rock naturally over the years is outstanding. Personally, I think Frank was high but every rock was an animal or person, or even Romeo and Juliet. Absolutely,beautiful though and a nice cool down from the humid day. We then took to the water for some kayaking in which case I just sat there day dreaming while Chris paddled me around and tried to search out more caves with no success. The next day we said goodbye to our new friends and headed to Cat Ba Island some some serious action. Jurassic park came alive in this National Park. It started with a good distance, at some times steep, bike ride before embarking on a wicked trek/rock climb that Chris and I both wish we were more prepared for. I was constantly distracted by animals which held the trek up a little, but I managed to spot a frog the size of my thumb nail, cute! We visited a bat cave, saw some amazing views and scenery, a did a pretty serious climb that was well worth the sweat and danger. We were all feeling very alive after this and had a second wind when we got to our bungalows over the water on our private beach. Once we checked into our bungalows we had time to swim, however low tide made it possible to walk to the next island, kayak again, visit monkey island which Chris renamed ant island as he came flying out of the jungle screaming and flew into the water, and get some beach volleyball in before dinner. Afterwards Chris proceeded to show the locals no mercy on the pool table while I sniffed out a bottle of Cab Sav our neighbors were enjoying on the deck.  Fun fact: still backwards on the otherwise of the world, back in Saigon.

I prefer liqourice to language

Ive tried my hand at every language of the country I've visited out here but Vietnamese is no where in my grasp. I've been able to have very basic conversation, ask for things, and have done decently well recognizing words all around SE Asia but my mind is in a jumble over this language. Not only is it tonal (with 6 different tones), with accents changing the meaning of a word, and the dialect changes in every place, but it can't be read phonetically.  Let me give you a crash course.  the word ma can mean 'ghost', 'which', 'mother', 'rice seedling', 'tomb', or 'horse'. Depending on the accent, which changes the tone. Before I knew any of this my Vietnamese went this way... I read 'pho' obviously as is, in which case I was asking for a prostitute because it's pronounced 'fa'. I always want to find a sign that says 'chay' which means vegetarian, however pronounced 'Chai'. Hello is 'Xin chào' pronounced 'sin jòw' but can also mean 'I want soup' and my favorite,  'cám on'. which I was told sounded like 'come on' but is actually 'kam ern' means thank you, but the way I was saying it was 'shut up'.  Fun fact: I've taken a vow of Vietnamese silence.

Namaste. And a deep breath, think of Nha Trang, and here we go!

Hands down, the most beautiful beach ever! I know I say this every time but this one had some serious mountains and was absolutely breath taking. I soaked up a pleasant amount of sun, window shopped, and it was also very travel friendly, with lots of extras to do including jet skiing  and paintball.  Which I didn't do but I did go parasailing! So fun, keeping my fingers crossed to be a bird in my next life. But, there is always a but, their safety precautions, or lack there of is questionable. So I'm like, ya I wanna go! And next thing I know I'm being pulled and hooked and you name it by three Vietnamese guys and the last one to clip me in says "when the boat go, run...boat go!" I didn't even get to process what just happened and I'm way up in the air! They bring you down to touch water a few times, and back up again. It was the freest I've ever felt, until I realized I had no clue how I was going to land. So there I am, hundreds, no thousands! Of feet in the air. Ok, they will drop me in the water. I can do this, no worry. Nope, that's the beach I'm over top of, oh god I'm coming down, why are they holding their arms out? They're kidding right there is no way they are planning on catching me like a baby...baby Jesus? Sure are, so I do what I think I should and bring my legs in incase the catch is a bust and I need to scamper a bit down the beach. Success! On my last day I went to the Disneyland of Vietnam, known as Vinpearl. You get to do everything in the park, including a two way cable car ride (the biggest in the world so they say) for twenty bucks! Considering virtually no one was there it was like having the whole place to myself, so worth it! I went water sliding, played a ridiculous amount of video games, rode my first mechanical bull...and stayed on! Snuck onto some kiddy play rooms, I don't care how old you are they are Fun at any age. And took full advantage of the rides a ridiculous amount of times. I think I shared a ride once, and the luoging is where it's at. This is my break? Don't care, don't need it! Fun Fact: green bean ice-cream.

Crazy Train

Let's begin with one of my classic rants before I tell you how amazing my week in Nha Trang was. So big brother is flying into Hanoi, as I expected I'd be halfway up the coast by then, but he informs me it would be better if I could meet I'm at the airport. And of course it would, Hanoi is not the place I'd want to show up alone if I was just arriving somewhere, this place is more chaos then anything I've seen so far, especially where I'm staying. I must admit my map skills are through the roof these days! So, like a good sister, I make the 36+ hour bus ride(s) to Hanoi from Nha Trang. You all know the song and dance, you've heard it a million times but this one takes the cake. First off, I hate sleeper buses, I'd rather sit than try and cram myself into a toboggan like "bed" for that long of a stint. Everyone is uncomfortable except for the pleasantly tiny, Vietnamese. Not to mention the buses are insanely dirty and my favorite green dress is now covered in chocolate stains, and what I anticipate is Purple Drank. Bloody hell! They just keep piling people on and no one has assigned seating.  Also! The foreigners get to sleep at the back of the bus, right next to the toilet, and in the perfect spot for everyone to rob you. Yup! Pretty much everyone got robbed on that bus (I am now in search of my third hammock of the trip) or at least woke up to someone attempting to go through their stuff. To take the cake, the busted arsonist screams full boar in Vietnamese like we did something wrong. Do the bus drivers care? No. Do they even speak English? Of course not. The third bus I Got on managed to not have a toilet, this was the 15+ hour ride, and it only stopped once an hour and a half in. Greeeeat. But that meant no thieves were wandering about and we all slept, in and out, in between breakdowns. I think this ride held the world records. We got so used to it in the end no body looked up when we hard the bus driver pull the tools from beneath his seat. We never knew what the problem was but every half an hour he was out there ramming around...for hours! I envisioned myself not making it off that bus alive so perhaps my next post will be my Will. Fun Fact: Cody, you can have it all. But you'll have to fight my beneficiary, Marky Mark. And he is in good shape these days!

Mama Coco

You're a deck! I miss you terribly. Love your bitter half.

Put your hands in the air if you hate lemongrass!

Do me a favor and don't show up in my curry ever again. You gross me out. I've arrived in Nha Trang! It's like flippin Vegas up in this beach town, but I think I'll actually enjoy it this time. There's tons of people around and distracting neon lights to keep me going for hours, and lots of alleys! I love getting lost. I'm also changing hotels tomorrow because a cyclo (worse than a tuk tuk)dropped me off at a place with Japanese style doors. Yu can hear EVERYTHING, and there is a shared bathroom, which I'm right beside but the light shines straight through the paper walls. Mama Mia I was too tired to argue, can you tell I'm burning out and thinking about different things? Like rugby players. I've come to the conclusion that all Asian women can do the splits. I had the honor of watching Asia's version of dancing with the stars, circa 2009, on the bus ride over here. I opted against the sleeper bus because last time I took one of those the right side of the windshield was spidered to all hell and I keep waking up airborn, not as fun as it sounds... Yes it was. Anyway, side tracked, pretty lights,...oh yes the splits. So all these random celebrities, young, old, skinny, thick, whatever can randomly pull out the splits during their dance! I couldn't believe it. Once again, a self hating caucasion. Can you change your race like you can change your name? In that case I want to be Kimora Lee... Currently having a cup of Vietnamese coffee, which is never hot enough, and will have a fun filled update for you soon. Fun fact: Turducken's are real. I've seen them.

It's not GD may yet?!

I swear that last post originally had paragraphs. I'm sorry. Fun fact: I hate this new layout!

Vietnam, bring your Dong!

Almost had a Coco hiatus there! And in the spirit of our St. Coco I decided a blog was not worthy unless under the influence of several Mario Lopez's. But out here, vodka mirinda will have to do. Have you ever had a mirinda? It's like liquid orange tic tacs, absolute shit. It's on in Vietnam! And of course, I love it. Spent the first couple days in Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon) which was a lovely reminder of Vancouver. Massive sky scrappers, enough neon lights to give you a seizure, and hands down the craziest streets I've ever managed to cross in my life. You are basically a deer in the headlights as moto's, cars, buses, etc fly past you. So terrifying, and exhilarating. you are the stone, they are the water is what it's really like. I scoured the city and made it to the reunification palace, where Saigon surrendered to the North as their tanks crashed through, their version of Notre Dame, and Regina cafe for a macchiato. Had to go, obvi. Plus they give back to those who farm their coffee beans. I'll fun fact you right now. Coffee is grown within 1000 miles of the equator. Neat!  The rest of the time was spent on the back of a moto, exploring the countryside, monkeys, and crocodile farm containing the biggest croc I've ever seen in my life, you could stick a clock in it's mouth and it would be a prop from Hook. When it became Saigon by night, it was a totally different story. Walking down Bui Vien, the streets were lined with backpackers slugging back ice cold 10,000 Dong beer served by stern mom like Vietnamese women. Too much fun to handle, so I slammed a few Gin and tonics and headed to the beach. Lucky me, I arrived at roughly three in the morning. Note: this is not Thailand. Everything was shut down. Luckily for me I see a man waving as I head a few blocks up, from a place called friendly guesthouse. Yes it was and yes I will take it...for one night. I have expressed my gratitude by going there for breaky every day. Hands down, the grandma there makes the best coconut cake (tart) I've ever had. Wow. So I've settled into a slightly out of budget guesthouse but I am spoiled with amenities, especially in room wifi and so happy.  First day back on the beach I burnt to a crisp. Never been better. So today I headed out to the sand dunes for a little bit of sun before retreating back to my aircon room to read too much on the Internet. Apparently I'm addicted to carbs. Crack is the second most popular choice when typing it in to a search engine... Dodged a bullet!  At the dunes you can rent a piece of plastic, or as we call it in Canada, a crazy carpet and go for a ride down the dunes. It works surprisingly well but sand is a hell of a lot harder to climb then snow, so I gave up after three go's but enjoyed watching tiny Asian men in business attire scream like girls down the hill. It was a nice little out of the town trip and tomorrow I'm off to Nha Trang to soak up more sun, and possible have a fun filled day at a water park...if I can find someone to play with. Otherwise, countdown to Rook (Christopher) coming, is on! 

If nothing else...

http://edition.cnn.com/2012/03/15/world/cnnheroes-basnet-nepal-prisons/index.html?hpt=wo_bn6 Fun fact: PLEASE check this out

Why did that little piggy want roast beef? Fun fact: and that little piggy want none?

My Engrish not so gud

I've just been informed it's getting worse with time. Bare with me please, you know what I'm saying. I tried to edit some blogs but since they've reformatted the site again I have no clue how to do it. My big sorry's, especially to dad, that this ex Harvard hopeful is loosing her touch. Fun fact: suck it up, it adds flavor to the blog

Zombie apocalypse starts now!

Newest point of interest on my resumè, I am a certified expert bus rider. Even if I don't notice what seat I'm supposed to be in I end up in the right one. What I do notice is people look like zombies when they sleep on the bus. Think of it this way. Your neck never connects with the back of the seat when you are in the upright position and your head is always cocked to one side and odds are your mouth is open and your is head bobbling about. If you are me you are also drooling, scary sight. Check it out next time you ride a bus.

Fun fact: everyone is lying to you!

The alley wins again!

Currently in Stung Treng for a day before making the trek to HCMC, Vietnam. Virtually no tourists come here, only to go to the Laos boarder, so I am loving it. The other nice thing about see less explored towns is that moto's and tuk tuk's are rarely an annoyance. But I hit the jackpot. A calm, friendly faced man came up to me and asked what I was up to. Not pulling me this way or that, yelling that I should stay here and go there and do this. He simply said, I have a guesthouse, $3 a night by the gas station if you like. Yes, yes I do.

Of course it's down an alley, I would have never found it without him, away from the main craziness and it's lovely! Two other families live here and it's a nice little compound. I don't even have to leave to eat because one of the women of the families is on it. She asked what I would like for breakfast in the morning and I kid you not the second I stepped out of my room it was ready and on the table for me! What are these acts of kindness? also got to share some with her little boy who wanted my breakfast and not his. Très cute! 

Fun fact: if all else fails, ask a monk or take an alley.

Koh Trung

Decided to spend a day on the island just a short distance from Kratie. I had it all planned out. I was renting a bike, planting a tree, doing a home stay, going to the temple and floating village... I even had a map. Well let's just say this day ended up very happy...found that party.

I'm maybe a quarter into my biking trek and I can hear music blaring and see people dancing around in the distance, fantastic! I finally get to see some people celebrating the New Year! Do I ever, they see me coming up on my bike and right before my eyes someone races over to a bamboo oath, pulls a string and a bamboo roadblock is dropped. I almost fall off my bike laughing as the people approach me dancing and smiling and singing and of course drunk. I'm being pulled off the bike and the women are leading me around in traditional Khmer dance while the men insist I chug Black Panther (a dark 8% beer that's gets you right) and everyone is hollering and being so ridiculous. I manage a few dances before I have to get out of there. When you can't speak to each other and that moment of unclarity comes nothing could be more awkward. So I'm off!

I'm barely biking two more minutes and I hear "happy Khmer New Year!" and all these guys just hanging out eating and drinking shots of rice wine are just beckoning for me to come over. Option A) finish my island tour and be a lame ass never knowing what it's all about. Or Option B) show them how it's done. Clearly I go with the later. So there I am sitting with a bunch of dudes, only one speaks English but is more than happy to translate for everyone, and the songs are starting and the rice wine is just flowing non stop. I think I impressed them.

I finally got to partake in the tradition of the New Year that I've been dying for and that's the Talcum powder all over the face and hair and arms, you name it. Since they all wanted a go at me, let's just say I don't have to baby powder my hair for a least a month after this fiasco, oh it burns!  But it keeps everyone in good spirits as I offer to get us more wine and the English speaking gentleman literally has to be carried into bed. Out of control! So I'm sitting around with the younger boys now, about my age, broken English, everyone is drunk...my kind of scene...and I'm stopped dead. 

They had been eating BBQ all afternoon, and as good as it looked I'm so thankful I'm a vegetarian. I managed to have a nonstop supply of mango when I looked to my left, on the grill I saw (mom close your eyes) a dog head! I didn't know what to do, I was literally paralyzed by fright. I mean this dog was cute, like wishbone, and there was his head charred to all hell with it's tail in it's mouth. I kid you not they took that and ate it too, then I'm sure they did some weird offering with the head. Ugh. I'm sorry, but I had to let it out. I didn't know whether to run, or cry, or Kris Morrow (throw up) all over the place. Single handily   (that is officially the funniest word ever, handily.) the worst experience of my life and I've had KFC for Christmas. I'm still not recovering from either, why did you change your macaroni salad recipe? Why?

Shortly after that I managed to bike my sorry ass back to the start line to walk three Km in the dark to the home stay. At least that was a great experience overall. They were very accommodating to my vegetarian needs and I got a nice piece of floor to crash on for a couple hours before the damn roosters starting going off like they'd never seen the sun before. All in the name of supporting a community!

Fun Fact: rice wine will end your life

My first accident

Made it four months! Walking up to the island it is lined with boards so the motors can transport to and from the boat. Of course the boards aren't secured in any way so as the person in front of me steps on, it pops up just enough for me to ran my right big door directly into it. Of course I don't have a first aid kit and I'm not looking until I get to the top of the hill. I finally get to stop, there is blood everywhere and my toe is pulsating, ahhhhhh! Just kidding only a little blood, but I did manage to split my toenail clear off at the halfway mark. I'm managing to get bandaged up and I look like I have a gout and I'm thanking my lucky stars for the clean break. This should heal nicely. Just to cheer up my day, on of the other guys who was with me when it happened says "you know how hard you've travelled by how many toenails you have" I quickly reach for my Swiss Army knife and try prying off more toenails...I guess nine and a half will do.

Fun Fact: it takes about six months for a nail to grow back

Yes! I would like Hepatitis with my ice

 ice is made in factories here so it is claimed to be clean and drinkable. However, the transport and the means of cubing it has me questioning how safe the ice really is. Usually transported on moto's in blocks it's rarely covered and sits on the dirty metal part of the bike. Then it is thrown onto a surface that has no doubt cut raw meet, has had gasoline dumped on it and probably seen a birth of a child or two. Next stop they use a saw to cut it down. What has this saw been used for in the past, where did those rust and other questionable spots come from, and how many animals legs has it severed through?

Fun fact: still alive and kicking!

I got what I wanted...

Not the way I wanted it though. So I'm reading my book at the guesthouse, waiting for my bus to Stung Treng, and I hear "hellooooo!" and this very well put together woman is standing before me holding this adorable baby girl in the most ridiculously cute frilly dress and matching bonnet I've ever seen. Like the sort of crap my mother used to dress me in before I could vocalize that I'd rather wear my brothers hand me down adidas soccer shorts. So I smile and say hello, and baby chat with the little one and next thing I know she sits this baby one my lap. Wide eyed, she just stares at me, seems in good spirits. Next thing I know she says "goodbyyyyye!" and disappears!  Holy shit! I take it back, I take it back, I don't want a Cambodian baby, well, at least not a girl. Of course the baby, loosing sight of her mother, looses her shit and starts bawling, oh lawd, save me! Luckily, her father, or who I'm assuming was her father since she immediately stopped crying after seeing him, wondered in and took her off my hands. That was a little to close to comfort.

Fun fact: I may have given someone's child away today.

Kraaaaaaaatie!

The night I spent in Kratie, once again described as a lovely French era architecture  town, as they all are. Was more of a post apocalyptic war zone in a lovely French era architecture town. Like I mentioned it was Khmer New Year. This celebrates to end of harvest and the coming of the wet season. There is no midnight kiss but there are beautiful displays of fresh fruit and drink and definitely some partying going on...somewhere. as everything is shut down from 3 to 9 days. It's all very bizarre when you are normally bombarded with people.

Picture abandoned streets, garbage littered absolutely everywhere, stray dogs looking for any edible remains. The only sound you hear are cats fighting, screaming, in the distance, and only every second streetlight works. All doors are heavily gated and chained and there isn't a soul in sight. Happy New Year indeed.

Fun fact: I met the most fantastic gay man who ran a cafe called Red Sun Falling. His counterpart? A fierce looking, clearly spoiled cat (if David Bowie was a cat this would be it. I also think he actually is one) named none other then Lazy Gaga. Points for creativity for sure.

The Wa Wa Daddy Dolphins

Actually called Irrawaddy dolphins, have been renamed by yours truly. A spectacular 15 km bike ride to Kampi through the Cambodian countryside bustling with locals for the Khmer New Year took me to the site of these few fresh water mammals still inhabiting the Mekong. Roughly six of them played around the boat, coming up for air frequently and splashing around. A little odd looking but very friendly, I'd like to show you a photo but I'm currently in a fight with slow shutter Simon (my camera). Since my camera refused to capture these creatures while above water I took some fabulous photos of myself. 

I had read that it was a two dollar fee to enter the park (for conservation)    And another two fifty or so for the boat, but it ended up being nine for everything, Lonely Planet, I spit on you. Now I don't mind contributing my money to something worthwhile as I've mentioned, and I'm all about the animals but I wonder what sort of conservation I was paying into. The only thing I noticed was potentially getting all the cigarette butts that my boat driver was constantly tossing into the river out. Ugh, what a piss off. Or maybe it's all the locals who bathe with Pantene Pro-V in the water. Say it with me "biodegradable soap" good god. Anyway I'm not going to get on about that, I get it. The money is mainly to help surrounding communities provide for themselves so they don't have to fish or set up nets hurting the dolphins, unintentionally of course.

On my way back to town I got my hands on some kralong, sticky rice with coconut and bean steamed inside a bamboo shoot, and gluttonously devoured it before the ants good. Still following me. 

Fun fact: perhaps I'm just pissed I didn't grow up bathing with dolphins.

I got schooled at pool...

By a four year old! Other than that,  I read, I slept, I ate. Wo could ask for more? But in the evening I took on a concert and talk put on by the founder of the children's hospitals in Cambodia, Dr. Beat Richner. What a fantastic man! I'm including website on his history but I'll fill you in on what I learned tonight. 

Every Saturday evening he plays the cello and gives a presentation on the ongoing battle to keep the children of Cambodia alive and well. He does this, simply for donation. He also goes back to Switzerland twice a year to do more concerts and lectures, again raising money since 90%  of the funding for his hospitals is from donations alone.

 The medical attention the children receive is free thanks to him and his staff of 2400 Khmer people. On average 400 children a day are brought in to the hospitals, 100 of which have to go to ICU. An average visit (between 2-7 days) can cost roughly $240 and since the average family generates $0.50 a day every little bit helps.

 He firmly believes children are the future and you can hear the passion in his voice. The hospitals deliver  an average of 50 babies a day but on top of that Tuberculosis is a major problem here and can lead to perminate disability so the treatment never stops and they give the money to the families so they are able to make it to their appointments. No child goes unseen or not properly medicated. A huge part of the problem is the medication you can access here on your own has a 80% chance of being illegit...more problems. Dengue and Japanese Encephalitis are also on the rise so they perform hundreds of vaccinations a day. both can lead to disability if not fatality.

I left feeling drained and all I did was lend an ear for a couple hours. The passion that has driven this man for decades is very apparent in his hair (he looks like Dr. Steve Brule). But I saw faith in humanity once more seeing people willing to overcome any obstacles for the greater good. Acts of selflessness should never go unmentioned so I felt the need to out a little info out there as I'm sure my measly donation did not do much, but at least I could feel confident with this one that it will end up in the right hands.

Fun fact: if you got a second, gives thanks for your health.  
http://www.beatocello.com/Assets/richner_history.html

Oops! I did it again...

Or so I thought. So here I am in a panic because it's Khmer New Year and I'm being told everything, including buses shut down for at least three days. That leaves me limited for some wilderness exploring in Kratie and I have one memory come to mind...

It's Easter in Costa Rica. My partner at the time and I need to make about a four hour journey to San Jose to make it home Easter holiday...who wanted to come home at time?! Never mind. Needless to say we ended up taking a $90 cab ride, I thought the driver said $19 and couldn't believe my good fortune. Nope! so there we are...the middle of Heredia, not enough money in our pockets because the bank is closed and being cornered by a pissed off cabby, no doubt. Luckily, friends came and bailed us out and all was well.

So here I am feeling very much in the same situation. But I'm thinking there's got to be a way. Luckily, after asking around for a while I find the buses are running, a little more costly, but I can make it with plenty of time for some outdoor adventures along the Mekong River. Buddha, you got my back, and I get to rub your belly. I also get a couple days to do absolutely nothing, because I've been doing so much, not! But the actual downtime of reading or watching CNN or catching up on emails is the best part of travel. Everyone out here does it more often then you think. It's funny to see people do all the things you think they left home because, sometimes a change of scenery is all you need.

Fun Fact: Asia's best kept secret...the bum gun. 

It took me a while, at first I felt violated but now I think I will keep a super soaker in my bag when I'm back in the Western World.

The Liquid Outlet

So I must admit, I'm patient, have a high tolerance for stupidity and scammers, can deal with a language barrier, constant hawkers and getting lost. But some days I just want to scream. Once again, how do you find an outlet for all your frustration out here? I got it...

Fun fact: gin & tonic! They taste as bitchy as I feel!

Foot massaaaaaaage!

You guessed it... $1

Ok, get a grip Cambodia, you can charge more, trust me. But I do appreciate it big time! 
Tonight I got a foot massage, of course I appropriately picked out the cutest gay boy I could find and saddled up for a little reflexology (doesn't even compare to your skills, Charlotte!). So the massage itself was definitely only worth a dollar but the conversation was priceless. By the end there must have been six Cambodians all surrounding me asking my name, which appearently is Bread, about my tattoos, and what I do, and so full of excitement just to sit around and chat with someone. Massage places are also a dime a dozen out here so they just flock to you.

The part that got me though was this boy, who was 19 and had five months left of high school, had to leave his family in Battambang because he couldn't get an education there. So two years behind, going to school all morning, working ten hours a day (yup, for a buck) as well to try and get the money together so he can go to university and get a marketing degree was blowing my mind. He wasn't sad or angry or anything. It was just life, I can't believe his strength. But the kicker he got me at was "they call me Angry Bird, and I have angry boss, he's Chinese" and I just lost it! The equivalent to a Greek I guess, yikes. And of course when we were done the wife of angry boss came to collect the money. I made sure to slip him some extra cash when she wasn't looking. Could you imagine making $30 a month?

Fun fact: you can get a haircut and color for roughly $5 here, I'm in the wrong business.

Siem Reap

This place is the bomb! The shopping is unreal and crazy cheap I managed 4 pairs of exceptionally beautiful (silver? If I'm lucky) earrings for $20 dollars. I've also managed some pants, shirts, scarves, hammock, you name it for under $40. Aside from my backpack now being over the weight limit for the plane, and that i own more scarves then clothes, we got a deal! I can already picture myself wearing the most insane outfit ever on every plane ride. Hammer pants, scarves in my hair, around my neck, as a top, oh lawd give me strength to stop shopping.

It's so easy to navigate yourself around as well with many cheap and delicious Khmer food stalls all lit up a night, this place never stops.
Another thing that doesn't stop is ants. Those little jerks are as bad as the sand, I opened my toothbrush case one day and thought I was in the movie The Craft, when she is plagued with bugs. Literally covered, but hey, if you can't beat em, eat em. I put one in my curry tonight for good measure.

I managed another day of biking like crazy and caught Angkor Wat at sunrise. Brilliant! Until this baby pig came running through the crowds of people and suddenly no one cared about the sunrise anymore! I had a coffee with Justing Beiber, (best coffee I've ever had in my life, and the locals are smart to give themselves pop icon names so you remember them...there were 2 Lady Gaga's...that was a tough one) and made my way to Ta Prohm (tomb raider was filmed here). Definitely my favorite of all the temples so far, it's being reconstructed currently in several spots but you can still make your way around to get some fantastic shots of trees growing from the ruins and find your way through tiny, rubble filled, corridors that host signs saying "do not enter" which doesn't seem to matter. 

I can't even put into words how magnificent these temples and ruins are. Even more so, what a great job they are doing restoring them and the knowledge the locals have. Some have only been open to the public for a few years now, so I feel exceptionally blessed. It does shock me however, how anxious thousands of people a day are to tear through all these places when they look like they will crumble on top of you at any moment. Present company included. I decided to go under a pilar being held up by a stick. Common sense I tell ya.

Fun fact: Pub Street. Wow. (mini Freemont street) this place has given me bush baby eyes.

Dear Banana,

I'd be lost without you

Love, BB

Temple running - how'd they do that?!

Angkor what's that smell? ... Urine.
I Spent my first day out of three biking at least 30 km around the Cambodian countryside to see the glory of Angkor Wat, making my way to Angkor Thom to see Bayon (the architecture is astonishing), Ta Keo, and several other temples and ancient ruins along the way. The perfect day, minus my butt feels like it's the day after frosh. I've got two more days on my ticket to jam packing as many more temples as possible. Luckily a good cluster of them are close together as I'm refusing the tuk tuk. I'll spare you the history lesson on this one as Angkor Wat is a wonder of the world so I trust you all know what it is. Check out some photos when you get a chance anyway, it truly is amazing.

Fun fact:Angkor Wat began in the early 12th century and continued for about thirty-seven years

The storm

When I was eight I had a friend named Wendy Lou, who's parents were rarely around so we were free to eat an overwhelming amount of candy, jump on the couch, and play games unsuitable for our wild imaginations. One of which was called Nightmare. A board game played to a VHS tape of a severe storm that only worsened at it approached the two hour mark. Even worse was every now and then the gatekeeper would appear, also appearing worse as the game went on, and make who evers turn it was pee their pants. This game was terrifying. And I was rudely reminded of it the first night on the island.

It came in hard and fast. The wind picked up to an unreadable speed, water came pouring down and I heard the loudest crack of thunder ever. I love thunderstorms but I can easily admit this absolutely terrified me. I was always the kid who ran to the kitchen window at the first rumble of thunder in the middle of the night, just to find dad had already beaten me there, boo. It was all too close and the lightning that blasted just behind the tree was enough to make me feel very uneasy considering my hut for the night was made of grass. OMG, what to do? We all huddled together in the bar trying to find places to stay dry since everything leaks, after several failed attempts I made a mad dash to my hut. The storm went on for hours, I feel like I have a little better understanding for how devastating mother nature can be even though I'm sure this was a typical storm for the locals. being that close to the ocean however only makes it scarier. Wow, I'm still shaking. A prairie thunderstorm has nothing on this.

Fun Fact: it's not even rainy season...I'm scurred. 

Bamboo Island

A secluded island with only one place to stay, the people who work and occupy this piece of paradise have given it a family feel. No hum of electricity, no Internet, solar powered bamboo huts, generators at night that rarely do the job, you can't even charge anything out here,(a lot of time is spend by candle light) no everyday luxury... absolute peace. I hope you all participated in Earth hour! Living this simply is such a gift to experience...for a few days. God I'm spoiled. But when you have the opportunity to lay on the beach and succumb to all your senses you realize how detached civilization makes you. 

Although there are a handful of other people here you always feel you have the island to yourself. The sun shines for you, and when you open your ears you hear the waves crashing against the shoreline, the birds calling to each other, the hum of bugs, the wind in the trees, laughter in the distance...when was the last time you heard more than one thing at a time? Parents of two or more children need not answer. 

There are two beaches on the island that can be reached by a bug infested, trek through the jungle. Needless to say I keep my eyes on the ground and hightailed it screaming because there was a centipede every step. Yuck. Which ever side you bask in the sun's glory you will be in the presence of the most turquoise blue waters you've ever imagined. Think blue Kool-Aid, but don't drink it. The brown sugar stretches of sand are dotted with blue and yellow bungalows and the palm trees stretch high over the beach, granting shade. 

It seems as though I've taken to relating sand to sugar...perhaps because I end up eating a lot of it. Once again sand cannot be escaped and neither can that constantly wet, salty, feeling on your skin and your clothes. Really smelling like a hippie is disgusting. 

Fun fact: women are better at identifying smells then men...this explains why they stink.

Sihanoukville

I have the Cambodian Chickenpox. Black flies are the devil. Send help.

So nice to be back at the beach, a week away nearly put me into a bout of depression worse then when Will&Grace went off the air. I pulled into the main hub of it all, Seredipity, to a lively and welcoming beach town. You can take a lovely walk down Occheutal to Otres beach, a draft beer crawl of about four kilometers and nestle yourself in the beautiful gulf of Thailand, the water is remarkable. 

After a solid day of trekking and too much sun I parked myself under an umbrella to spend the sunset being terrorized by hawkers. The children, once again, got to me. Would you pay a dollar for a mango in Canada? I sure as hell hope not! however, I gladly forked over a dollar to the gayest little boy I could find as he promised to sing me bad romance as he sliced up that delicious nectar of heaven. His name after all, was Lady Gaga.

Next up, a little boy, maybe 3 or 4 found his way onto my lap...ugh. He was playing with my little plastic monkey I have acquired on my trip and sitting all cuddled up to me so loving and calm. On that note I have a project for you. It's called "Raise money so Britt can have a Cambodian baby and escape Cody's turkey Baster idea" fund. I NEED one of these little one and they need your oral hygiene help! Always said I never wanted kids but... 

Fun Fact: you will constantly be approached by, unfortunately, limbless individuals, asking for money. These are victims of some of the untouched land mines than are still present around the country. You can't give everyone a dollar so I've taken to pulling out a piece of paper, writing down Heather Mills info and letting them on their way...she can help you!  Suck on those rain boots, Mills.

Lego Land!

My time in Phnom Penh was full of craziness, education, sunset activities, and Animal Planet (subscribe now).

Craziness - visiting Psar O Russei. Take any China Town and times it by infinite. Like any market jam packed with textiles, fruits, veggies, meats and seafood (how fresh is it really? I can see the flies, oh and it's a hundred degrees out) nuts, legumes (still not sure what that is...Mr. peanut? The guy with the monicle?) you name it. You can even get your hair did! However, they act like they've never seen a white person before, very uncomfortable...que Eminem. So I make silly decision like going to buy several dollars worth of what I think are peanuts, and while she's not looking, pop one in my mouth...not a peanut. So I got all awkward and ran away. I did hit the jackpot in the fresh fruit isle though, yum!

Education - taking in as much if the history and culture as you can is so important. Cooking classes are offered everywhere, although I think I'll wait until Vietnam, but there is a very unfair and unfortunate history in Cambodia that still lingers in the air above the giant smile and hello's of the wonderful Khmer people who inhabit this glorious country. 

In 1975 the Khmer Rouge, led by Pol Pot with radical Marxist ideas, implemented one of the most radical and brutal restructuring of a society ever at attempted. This "leader" is right up there with Hitler. It's goal was to transform Cambodia - renamed Democratic Kampuchea - into a giant peasant-dominated agrarian cooperative. Within days the sick, elderly, weak, etc were imprisoned and forced to slave the countryside 12 to 15 hours a day, death was inevitable. Intellectuals were systematically wiped out (having glasses or speaking a foreign language was reason enough to be killed). The advent of Khmer Rouge was proclaimed year Zero. In just shy of four years, before the Khmer Ruge was brought to an end by the Vietnamese, over 1.7 million people have been estimated to have perished at the hands of Pol Pot and his followers. 

Tuol Sleng Museum - a high school taken over and transformed classrooms into torture chambers, renamed S-21. At the height of activity over 100 prisoners were killed a day. Kept chained to beds, submerged in water,hung upside down until unconscious, beaten in every way imaginable. In 1979 only 7 prisoners survived when the Vietnamese army liberated Phnom Penh. The only way to survive was to have a skill of painting or photography as the leaders were meticulous in keeping records for each prisoner who passed through (photos, statements, etc.) 

Killing Fields of Choeung Ek - the majority of the 17,000 prisoners of S-21 were executed just 14 km Southwest of the capital (as well as all over the country). It's hard to imagine such a beautiful orchard surrounded by rice paddy's and flowered waters turned into a massive burial ground. An audio tour is available and as you go site to site shivers run through your body as you hear the events that took place while stepping on fragments on bone and teeth to this day. Much of the land was dug out and people would stand before the gaping holes, before being bludgeoned to death and left and piles. Music played loudly over the speakers to drown out the sounds of the tortured and there was a grave for everyone, including the children, which we can now leave an offering at to rest their souls. In final there is a memorial stupa, containing over 8000 skulls of victims to being a little peace to the unrest.

I hope that didn't bring you down too much, I left out a lot of what I was informed but had to give you some education as well. It was a bit of a traumatic day, merely decades ago when my parents were tripping on hallucinogens and putting flowers in their hair is was taking place. But I have so much appreciation for even being able to visit and share the smiles of the people.

Sunset activities - Now to end the day what could be better then a riverfront walk? OH I know! A drop in aerobics class, these people have absolutely no timing or coordination (mom, I think you could teach Zumba out here) but everyone just jumps on in! Either prepared in little track outfits or creeping up in Jean shorts and platform sandals. I watched the display for at least an hour before getting a happy pizza, playing rock paper scissors with children for bracelets (cheaters!) and finding a 40 ounce of Jameson for $13.00. Happy happy joy joy.

Fun Fact: not really, but... The UN allowed the Khmer Rouge to occupy the Cambodian seat at the UN general Assembly until 1991. The murderers represent there victims for 12 years.

Visiting the Ethnic-Vietnamese Venice

Wascana lake.
Would you swim in it? Eat the fish you caught out of it? Bath in it? Live in a floating shack on it? These people sure would!

On my way to Phnom Penh, I made a stop in Pursat so I could take a day trip to Kompong Luong, a floating fisherman's village. It has all the amenities you could imagine including computer repair shop, a catholic church, ice making factory, snooker bar, and hair salon! It is only accessible by boat, even throughout the village which is quite the sight to watch dogs and elderly trying to steady themselves from boat to shop and vice versa.

The water of Tonlé Sap was absolutely fowl which turned from a green sludge Polluted with floating dead fish to a thick cocoa color that people swam and fished in. If I ever though I'd eat fish here, I've changed my mind. The location of the village can also vary within a few kilometers as when the water drops the whole village is moved.

It was definitely a sight to see, again baffled at how these people have television, or even electricity for that matter. This needs to be on a episode of How It Works.

Fun fact: I got bit? Pecked? By a chicken. It scared the living daylights out if me. I stepped out of the tuk tuk and was jabbed at followed by an awful clucking scream. I looked down and there was a chicken, just lying there, it's legs tied together and it tied to the exhaust of a moto. People do some crazy shit out here, if you think a chicken is hanging dead, it's not.

2 things you already know but don't necessarily remember

Appreciate the little things. Next time you have your morning coffee, or those few quiet moments to yourself on the way to or from work, even having a warm home cooked meal. Stop. Really savor that moment. Not only because we are blessed enough to have them but because it brings us back to reality for a moment. It's a chance to escape the hustle of daily life if we take a moment to absorb those small things that make it worth it. Listen to your favorite song, talk to a neighbor, smile and wave at the person staring at you from the next car over. All these things can be very uplifting and find a calm within you.

It seems to be the pace out here in SE Asia, especially Cambodia. My mouth hurts from smiling or having nonsensical conversation and I've waived to at least a hundred people (mainly children) today. But that's part of my day I truly cherish. Although everyone works so hard and has so little, they are so happy. They wander from town to town talking to everyone along the way, stopping for a soda or some fresh fruit. In their simplicity they have found peace. Although my life back in Canada, is socially exciting and never stopping, its also world's away and I'm grateful to have the opportunity to learn mute it a bit. 

Secondly, be a kid. Everyone out here is always play fighting, especially the grown men, and it's a huge form of entertainment. I'm not saying smack the next person you see on the head, but prank calling a family member isn't a bad idea. Buy your favorite childhood candy, go swing in the park (I hear the weather is great back home!), sing and dance to a popular song from your youth, I suggest wrapping a turban around your head and dancing to Xavier Rudd's Gift of the trees for a change of pace. Play a board game, make a funny face at someone unsuspecting, or just run around screaming for a minute. I promise you doing one childish thing a day will increase your longevity. Keep learning and keep growing.

Fun fact: stay green. Once you ripen, you rot.

Cambodia, Asia's dollar store

Look out Cambodia, there's a new Angelina in town!

I'm in love. Again. Cambodia has to be the most welcoming place I've visited so far, especially considering barely anyone speaks English. They are more than open to you joining them for morning coffee or dinner and just enjoying each others company.

I started in Battambang, a lovely riverside town with Cambodia's best preserved early 20th century French architecture. I stayed at Royal Hotel near Psar Nat, a very large Central market. It was a very clean and central spot to go for long strolls on the riverside or access anything you could need. After a day playing tour guide to myself, I booked a moto (and actual guide) to take me to the more rural area's as well as to see some famous sights. 

Our first stop was the Bamboo train (which will be closing next month to make way for a commercial line), Vancouver's wooden roller coaster has nothing on this little piece of Tetanus. It's a 6 HP, gasoline fueled, broken bamboo crate, on a warped track piece of glory! I was terrified! We even derailed at one point! Luckily it's so light that you simply take the bamboo crate off, get the barbell looking wheels back on the track, and you are off again! If two trains are approaching each other the one with less cargo will disassemble to let the other pass by.

We came to a stop to visit with some locals before heading back from the train. Two bright eyed boys had me on their own tour of a brick factory in no time. It's amazing how brilliant these kids are! Not only is their English fantastic but some of them can speak up to five languages! They told us they learn it all from the tourists, and considering they make a dollar a tour and roughly 30 people a day visit, who needs school?! On top that of that brick making is actually pretty cool, I'll save you the details. Highlight of being with these kids was the energy and the laughter and being covered in clay crawling through small spaces, "mind your head", they are so exited to show you everything they know. One of the boys even gave me a ring he had made and put it on my ring finger. I looked at him and said, we are married now you know? Suddenly he went deadpan, his smile disintegrated, and he simply said... "no". we both burst out laughing.

It was a very long day with roadside fruit stand stops, visits to temples, and a tree housing the largest bats I've ever seen. Think Echo, (Jason and Heidi's Chihuahua) with wings. They leave big sticks beside the tree so you can disturb the bats and see them fly. Ugh, gross. We randomly came across a winery (Chan Thai Chhoeng) as well! Does kimhuot (my guide) know me or what?! I tried a red wine which was basically baby duck and no one drinks that crap except Mr. Krees. The strongest brandy ever, not bad for ten in the morn, and a deliciously spicy honey ginger juice, yum! 

Two of the biggest highlights on the day, and I mean biggest, were mountaintop temples. Phnom Banan was my first stop. 358 stone steps, 11th century I may add, to five towers reminiscent to Angkor Wat. I struggled to keep a good pace as my legs turned to jelly, god I'm out of shape, but could only hear Christopher yelling encouragement in my ear. Thank Buddha for that because the view from the top was breath taking! I felt like Indianapolis Jones (trailer park boys) as I explored the towers and wondered how this was even possible. The mountains surrounding me, the sweet smell of flowers in the air, and music drifted up from a local wedding made this experience out of this world.

Phnom Sampeau was a complex of temples, and yet another stunning view. Not only does it bottle my mind (blades of glory) how people even got up here to create these places so long ago, but people now live up here and are watching television! This mountain was high, Snoop Dog high and the monkeys definitely have no problem letting you know they live there. As I ran from one a local said, "he not bite, he only kiss" and giggled at me. Great. For my last stop I found my way to the Killing Caves. After this I don't know how well I'm going to deal with the killing fields of Choeung Ek. There are three caves from which people were thrown to plummet to their death after being bludgeoned by the Khmer Rouge cadres. A glass walled memorial at the bottom contains many skulls and bones of the executed. One cave for for the men, one for the babies and children, and one for the women. Unspeakable.

Fun Fact: populated at over 14.8 million people, Cambodia is the 69th most populous country in the world.

A birthday song

Hey dad! It's your birthday in Cambodia!
Hey dad! I'm gonna have a party!
50 cent beer on tap!
50 cent beer on tap!
3 pints in and I think I need a nap!

Hey dad! It's your birthday in Cambodia!
Hey dad! Time for a dance party!
Rum and coke at sky disco!
Rum and coke at sky disco!
Oh boy, that's enough, time for some rice!

Hey dad! It's your birthday in Cambodia!
Hey dad! Today is your day!
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
Happy birthday! Happy birthday!
You get the point!

Fun Fact: You share a birthday with Elton John! Lucky!

Saying goodbye to Thailand

As I embark tomorrow on my final journey through Thailand on my way to Cambodia I reminisce on the things I enjoyed and the things that annoyed me.

Let's start with phrases the Thai people have, and I absolutely adore them for this.

Thank you very big
Never try never know
Old enough to know better, too young to care.
Don't worry, chicken curry
Why not?
How are you tomorrow?

You will hear these sayings all over just as much as you can count on every town having a why not? bar.

I've come to terms with the outrageous, left side, driving packed in the back of a truck with way too many people in it. I've also come to terms with the speedo. Just terms though, and that's clearly the Europeans. As much as I sweat out here the humidity has done wonders for my hair and nails, I could claw your eyes out right now. Meow! And then I'd do a Pantene commercial. I love that there are always food stalls, you will never go hungry. The roti pancakes and fresh coconuts are in ample supply and cheap cheap! I give them one big bill and they give me several little ones! What a deal!

The people have made this journey. It really is the land of a million smiles. Even the women currently on my street who I pass three times a day with 3L of water each time always say hello. They must think I'm nuts, but I just can't quench my thirst. I'm up to 6L's! Everyone goes out of their way to help you, and the love and respect they have for their animals here would make any animal lover cry. Everyone has at least four pets and they are so loved, fat, and lazy, I wouldn't mind being reincarnated here.

Television and movies! What a joy this is to find, a little taste of home. I've had the privilege to have t.v. While sick in Samui. I've watched enough Law and Order that I have a Law degree. A least here in South East Asia. Forget Law and Order UK though, it's absolute rubbish. And they still wear those silly wigs. Have you seen Million dollar money drop?! If not, save your brain cells. If you have you can agree with me that these contestants have clearly been trapped in the ground for the past decade at least with oxygen to their brains cut off. The questions are painstakingly easy and these people just scream at each other the wrong answers. Read a book. I'm not the brightest either but when the question is "which of these is not on a Big Mac?" and the answers are either lettuce, pickles, or tomato. come on! I don't even eat meat and you just lost 2K on that?!

Ok so there are jus two things that have annoyed me. 
A) couples bringing their children to Thailand, go camping you freaks! And it's always the French, big surprise. they let their children run a muck everywhere including restaurants. Nothing irritates me more. My parents must have really lucked out, I don't remember ever throwing tantrums or even hearing stories of it. Needless to say my last two meals have been spent with "uncle jason's" tormenting my meal. If I had ever acted that way I would have been out of there right quick and punished but these parents either look at their little brats with proud looks on their faces or the "oh, they're just kids" attitudes. No. You're just a "shitty parent" and your children have ADHD. Take a normal vacation, I dunno... Disney World! Golden sand beaches where people want to relax are not places for screaming demons. I'm definitely going to be one of this parents who only likes their own kids. Kidding! Babies are bad!

B) people who don't realize you are directly in front or behind them when walking. If you can't sense someone behind you trying to get around and you are just faffing along you must be Helen Keller. Wait, no even she would sense someone trying to get by. Or you can see me plain as day but you have no problem walking right through me! This is unbelievable the amount of times this has happened. Just tonight some girl was in the way of a moto and jumped right into me full force, she got a grade four glare that's for sure. People can be just so inconsiderate. At the same time I realize we need people like this because the Canadians are too polite. You go, no you go, no I insist! We would be there all day, really I've let one person ahead of me and ended up in the same spot for fifteen minutes. Ugh, me and my manors. Once again, just a reminder to my rents. You hit the jackpot! Sure your eldest is a write off, but you did very well with me. Give yourself a pat on the back...nope! An air five!

Fun Fact: coconut water has the same isotonic makeup as human blood. It could be used as an IV drip in some cases! So drink up...  That is not your cue to become a vampire... Morrow.